Rough Around the Edges

I don't pretend to be anything that I am not. I try always to be myself. But, it seems, no matter what I do ... many people do not like me. I'd say that that is fine with me, but really I don't think that it is.  At first, I might seem very collected, very intelligent, very nice ... and then you get underneath the protective layer and there's just me. Naked in all my rough edges.

I don't think that perfection is humanly possible. In fact, this world in itself is an imperfect place. We live with famine, disease, natural disasters, and evil as examples. so, I take pride in my originality and uniqueness. I think that the continual strife towards perfection is ridiculous to say the least. I have Kienbock's disease, and I can't dribble a basketball, I can't throw a Frisbee, I can't drive like everyone else, I can't go rollerskating anymore, I can't scrub dirty dishes, I can't push myself off the ground ... what are we doing torturing ourselves? Everyone has things that are wrong. Why push perfection?

I figure, if I go through life only doing my best and being my best - that is the achievement worth the fight. Granted, I think we should all make ourselves better. I'm continually reworking myself.  For example, I used to hate when people played jokes on me. Now, I am slowly learning to accept the consequences of having "real" friends who know the importance of humor, laughter, and equality. None of which can be achieved if we aren't a little goofy and sneaky.

I let Kienbock's disease define a part of my life. I own it. I respect it. It has taught me many important lessons, and it gives me many important challenges. I know that with my disease I can educate other people, and teach them about degenerative bone diseases and how it affects the human body. I let the Kienbock's be a part of my person, my psyche. I am no more or less than any other equal, yet I have something they may never have and it sets me apart and I accept this.

The worst thing for me is desperately wanting to be close to people, but ultimately ending up disappointed no matter what. Everyone lets me down in ways I need them the most. Often, I don't know what this is but I sure as hell know what it isn't. People might think that this is something they understand ... but I don't think I know anyone similar to be honest. I am dejected over the fact that I can count the true and real friends that I have on one hand. I would like it to be two. I would like people to care. I would like for them to want to know me, to respect me, to respect my differences and opinions, to share a friendship with me. I would like people in my life, but I fear my rough edges often prevent this. I mean, I say completely weird and/or inappropriate things at crucial moments, I act out, I beg for attention, I shy away from attention .... it's all a weird carousel ride in my world.

I know that I am not perfect, and I don't want to be. Perfection is not a fun aspect of human existence, and I reject it. But, I do know that I always have room to grow, time to change, and space to just be me. No matter what.

Therapeutic Creations

I do regular therapy for my disease. In the beginning, it was difficult to get therapy because we were in the military stationed in Germany. We would have to drive 10 miles out of our way 3 times a week to go to a manipulation therapy - which I wasn't too keen on because the girl I started with, was switched on my my second visit, and my second therapist was not proactive, or talkative, or ... good with English. Not that I couldn't converse with her because I speak decent German. Just health-wise, I know no terminology or grammar.

When we were re-stationed in Kansas, I found a new therapist at an occupational therapy clinic. I LOVED going to occupational therapy. My therapist was really good, and she loved her job. In fact, she switched careers mid-life when her mother had cancer and needed treatment. It got her into therapy, and so she became a licensed hand therapist. Now, don't get me wrong. It's not at all what you think. Yes, there is exercising, but there are also games and skill tests. Like .... digging lite brite pegs out of playdough, or inserting 50 pins into a tiny peg board, or finding the pennies in a bag full of change. All done one handed mind you. But, there were also difficult tasks like stretching ropes, and the arm cycle, and these weird stretches that would make me light headed.

Since I can't have therapy forever, I have come up with different things I do to keep my arm and hand healthy. My favorite is crafting. I scrapbook a lot. I will work for hours and get lots of pages done. I plan them, execute them, and I'm not half bad at my simple styled pages. My husband even bought me a Cricut machine one year for my birthday. I try to use it a lot because it can do so many cool things.

Another activity is coloring, though, I have to be really careful. Coloring can be too vigorous and because I can't feel my hand, it's really hard to loosen my grip or not to tense up my hand and arm.

A close second favorite would be jewelry making. In fact, my jewelry making inspired me to take a friend's advice and start my own Etsy shop. https://www.etsy.com/shop/TherapeuticCreations. I love making earrings in particular. You can never have enough earrings. But I also do a lot of barrettes, some bracelets and a few necklaces.

Another fun form of therapy is comic drawing. http://doniellcharie.doodlekit.com/. I draw stupid comics badly (yes, on purpose) that are taken from things happen in my everyday life. It's quite enjoyable since I like to make fun of a lot of things like people who say stupid stuff ... and do stupid stuff.

Other forms of therapy include (but are not limited to) Lite Brite, massaging vitamin E oil into my scar and scar tissue, hand and arm exercises, red band exercises, warm water manipulation, bracing, Kinesio taping (which is fabulous and I would recommend to anyone with horrible scar tissue issues and messed up muscles), just to name a few.

Shaking Hands Sucks

I have always hated shaking hands since I was little. I find it intrusive. Hand touching is something you should only do if you know the person extremely well. I've also found it a symbol of intimidation. When you go on a job interview, you have to hold your ground in a handshake - it's not about being polite. It's about how firm and strong you shake, and how you guide that shake.

Yesterday, I attended a memorial for an aunt of my husband. She died last Sunday, and so we went to a park where a bunch of family gathered to say a few short words about her, and have lunch together. If you think I have a problem shaking hands, you haven't tried to hug me ... but everyone wanted to shake my hand yesterday afternoon. It drove me nuts. No one cares that maybe I don't want to shake hands. Maybe I have germs, or just maybe I have a degenerative bone disease?

I don't know how many people's hands I shook, but I felt instantly afterward a fatigue in my hand. In the past I have proffered my left hand - only to end up getting weird looks. And, how do you excuse refusing a handshake? I hate hugging, so you can understand that I didn't want to refuse a handshake because then they would hug me. I suppose I could spend my entire life hiding behind my husband, but why would I do that? If I refuse, I either have to a) explain b) get hugged. I neither situation, I am in a position I don't want to be in. In either situation, people think you're weird. I'd rather just raise my hand and say hi. Why can't that work for everyone?

If I could do away with one thing in human society, it would be the handshake.

When I woke up this morning, my hand felt like I had slept on it backwards. All from handshaking. Maybe I should walk around with a giant foam finger on my hand. That way, I wouldn't have to shake hands. And when people offered me their hand, I would refuse to take it off. And when they try to hug me, I could just hit them with foam.

Yeah.

Thankfulness

It is easy for me to get lost in my memories and past lives. I say past lives because many of those memories surround a person I am no more. When it comes right down to it though, I am truly thankful for where my life has led me today, despite my failures, despite my health, despite my shortcomings, and despite any other obstacle.

I am thankful that I wake up every morning.
I am thankful that I am alive.
I am thankful that I can function on a daily basis.
I am thankful that I have an amazing and supportive husband.
I am thankful that my husband is thankful for me. :)
I am thankful for my two cuddly pets.
I am thankful for my sense of humor.
I am thankful for my home, and the things in it.
I am thankful for my education.
I am thankful for my creativity and my ideas.
I am thankful for truth and enlightenment.
I am thankful for being humbled by Kienbock's disease - because without being thankful for everything else on this list, I might not have become the person I am today with Kienbock's disease.

Stubborn Me

For years I've lived with constant pain my hand and arm. I actually have had it so long, that not feeling the pain would not be normal. It'd be downright weird. But the thing is that even though I've lived this way so long, I refuse to mentally acknowledge my condition. Like, that gear in my brain that automatically thinks like a girl with Kienbock's, doesn't always fall into place.

After my second surgery, we were at a friend's house. Her husband was on a hardship tour in Guantanamo, and she had a newborn baby at home. We were being good people and good friends by visiting her regularly, going out with her, and helping her with the baby. So, we had literally gone there two days after my surgery - I was still on percocet at the time, and very strong anti-nausea medications (this is before I had the worst 2 weeks of my life). I was so dumb about my arm, I picked up the baby. At the time, he was probably a good 12-15 pounds. I later found out that doing that ruptured a bunch of blood vessels and I had the most ugly bruises on the planet for several months.You just don't think about it. It's so second nature to reach for something and pick it up. But, I have a tendency to miss or drop. So I was the dummy that picked up the baby.

Today I still have a tendency to walk into a store, and pick up a bunch of things, go wait in line at the register with my armload, and then carry heavy bags around. I think that I can make, just this once. I think every other time that I'll get a cart - but I don't want to be the girl who is pushing a huge cart around Safeway with just a gallon of milk and a few veggies. I am just that stubborn.

Learning to give up control in situations where you believe you can do something is harder than you think it is. Thinking about myself as a person with a disability when I am able in many other ways is just a flat out chore. I can admit I can't do things, but I still want to do them. And so I insist on doing so. In reality, I shouldn't do about half of what I do do. Stubborn is just part of my personality. When I really believe something, I won't give it up. I refuse to budge on my ethics, and therefore it's all too easy to refuse to budge on what I believe I can do.

I'm learning to ask for more help. I'm learning to get over my fear of judgment and rejection. I have been making important strides in letting go of being stubborn, but it's always a challenge I have to deal with daily.