People suck, and then they suck some more. Do I sound jaded? Well, dammit (correct slang spelling, looked it up) I AM jaded.
I have slowly been making my plans for surgery. Not once has my husband been able to attend an appointment, and my doctor has been looking forward to meeting him, but I get the feeling the doctor feels like me: Is there anyone I can count on?
I don't mean the people at a distance who "wish they could help." I don't mean the people who are understandably busy or laden with plans. No. I'm talking about the regular, everyday people in my life. And, I'll admit it, there are a few people that I don't want help from. But, I think it's a fair assessment and not an unnecessary one.
I've been telling people about my surgery now for about 3 months. I've known that long I'd have one, only just recently did it get scheduled.I've had a few people say they may be able to do something for me. I had one coworker ask if there was anything they could do, but that's about it. I mean, I GET that people have busy lives. I GET that you have a job and a family. I really do. But, how come when anyone else asks for help, everyone jumps to the rescue like it's some honor? It's like ... if I'm not convulsing on the floor in front of people's eyes, they don't want to help or offer help.
When my mom struggled with cancer I sent her clothes when she needed clothes, I sent her gifts to cheer her up, I'd call her almost every day if she didn't call me first, I'd buy her groceries, I'd take her places, I'd let her spoil me with attention and give her assistance with sedentary things like helping her to the bathroom, bringing her medicine or food, etc. I think this is exemplary of what I could do living 4.5 hours away for 2 years, and 2200 miles away for 1 year. Heck, one year, I even flew out to be with her for a surgery. It's that important to me to be a support, to be needed and to be helpful.
I find that the reason why I am so willing to do this for others is that I want it desperately in my life. I can't do a lot of things and need help with numerous others. I'm imagining the worst scenario with this surgery, and seeing myself incapacitated and home alone. It's happened many times before with previous issues - what's stopping this time from being any different? When I say I have no friends, I pretty much mean it. I have a few very very good friends who live too far to be able to do much - understandably. But when I look around for support here where I'm at physically ... it's like a dry well. There may be a few roots to grab onto, but they're bound to break and leave my high and dry.
I look at my life and am not happy with what I see around me. I give up on others because they give up on me- and there's only so far I'm willing to go without getting even a thank you in return let alone reciprocation. I've bent over backward for so many people in my life that it just ends up hurting me. I'm done being hurt.
Oh I know, I know. There are people with less in the world. There are children without parents who love them, there are elderly people without children and family to care for them, on and on. My point is that I have a network of people in my life that I know and yet I can never get what I need from them. And it's not that they don't know how to give it or what to give.
I'll say this final thought: I'm just saying IT WOULD BE NICE. How I feel is exactly that - how I feel. I can't change it. Much of what I say and see is a reality. I'm not looking for that "I would if I could," I'm looking for the people who care. Not that there are any of them, but IT WOULD BE NICE. I think I do a lot for others and am kind and helpful. IT WOULD BE NICE to have it in return. It has to be my time sometime. It's been too long for it not to be.
Monday, June 9, 2014
Wednesday, June 4, 2014
Surgery 2.0
It's been awhile since I've posted, but there is a new development in my prognosis.
So, it all started several months ago when we were finally able to retrieve my medical records from the military. I researched the best orthopaedic hand surgeon in my region, and also got advice from a co-worker/girl friend whose aunt is in the industry - and funnily enough in both cases, it was the same person. Dr. L is a very adept practitioner who is one of the top rated surgeons in the Inland Northwest, not to mention Washington State.
I've had two visits with him. Initially, it was to get an idea as to what was going on in my wrist currently. I haven't been under a doctor's care since late 2011. So, I wrote him a really long letter and dropped off a stack of about 90 documents all relating to my disease. He agreed to see me, and I promptly had x-rays and a new MRI. He took special interest in my career, in my home life, and in my plans to travel in July. On my second visit, he informed me that my radial joint leveling caused a very profound difference in the length of my ulna to the natural line of bone growth. In the image of my right hand vs. my left hand on the computer screen, there was literally almost an inch of difference from hand to hand. My right hand bones have started to develop severe arthritis due to this. So, now my ulna has a positive difference, exacerbating the progression of the disease.
Originally, Dr. L wanted to do an ulnar joint leveling in order to correct the issue and alleviate the pain while also slowing down the progress of the disease. I told him I would think about it and get back to him. In the meantime, I had a cortisol shot. He injected a 6 inch needle into my wrist and after about a week, I stopped feeling the pain so severely. I still can't feel it very well, and it's been almost 3 months - but I know it's wearing off. My condition is so severe that he was afraid the shot wouldn't do anything, and they always say that the first shot is the most effective - meaning ... it's not good that it's only lasted a short period of time. The idea was to hold me up until my big vacation this summer. So far it's worked.
Today, however, I went to see Dr. L because I decided surgery was the best solution at the moment. What I thought originally, and planned for originally was the ulna joint leveling. But, instead I got an odd change of course. See, the doctor had reviewed my MRI and X-ray images and decided that we could attempt revasculation in order to attempt to save the bone. It appears that my bone isn't completely dead as was previously believed, and that an attempt to revasculate could save the bone. There are many reasons for this, which I will not numerate here. But, below is the Pedicled Vascular Bone Graft and Lunate Reconstruction - which is what I will have done. Basically, a marrow transplant, bone graft, and revasculation will all occur in the same surgery.
So, it all started several months ago when we were finally able to retrieve my medical records from the military. I researched the best orthopaedic hand surgeon in my region, and also got advice from a co-worker/girl friend whose aunt is in the industry - and funnily enough in both cases, it was the same person. Dr. L is a very adept practitioner who is one of the top rated surgeons in the Inland Northwest, not to mention Washington State.
I've had two visits with him. Initially, it was to get an idea as to what was going on in my wrist currently. I haven't been under a doctor's care since late 2011. So, I wrote him a really long letter and dropped off a stack of about 90 documents all relating to my disease. He agreed to see me, and I promptly had x-rays and a new MRI. He took special interest in my career, in my home life, and in my plans to travel in July. On my second visit, he informed me that my radial joint leveling caused a very profound difference in the length of my ulna to the natural line of bone growth. In the image of my right hand vs. my left hand on the computer screen, there was literally almost an inch of difference from hand to hand. My right hand bones have started to develop severe arthritis due to this. So, now my ulna has a positive difference, exacerbating the progression of the disease.
Originally, Dr. L wanted to do an ulnar joint leveling in order to correct the issue and alleviate the pain while also slowing down the progress of the disease. I told him I would think about it and get back to him. In the meantime, I had a cortisol shot. He injected a 6 inch needle into my wrist and after about a week, I stopped feeling the pain so severely. I still can't feel it very well, and it's been almost 3 months - but I know it's wearing off. My condition is so severe that he was afraid the shot wouldn't do anything, and they always say that the first shot is the most effective - meaning ... it's not good that it's only lasted a short period of time. The idea was to hold me up until my big vacation this summer. So far it's worked.
Today, however, I went to see Dr. L because I decided surgery was the best solution at the moment. What I thought originally, and planned for originally was the ulna joint leveling. But, instead I got an odd change of course. See, the doctor had reviewed my MRI and X-ray images and decided that we could attempt revasculation in order to attempt to save the bone. It appears that my bone isn't completely dead as was previously believed, and that an attempt to revasculate could save the bone. There are many reasons for this, which I will not numerate here. But, below is the Pedicled Vascular Bone Graft and Lunate Reconstruction - which is what I will have done. Basically, a marrow transplant, bone graft, and revasculation will all occur in the same surgery.
I am extremely nervous and apprehensive of what is to come with this new chapter. I don't currently have a lot of support or even a "support network". But, Come early August, I will be in a new, vulnerable position that I'm terrified to be in.
I know I just barely scratched the surface of what is going on, but feel free to ask me questions.
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