The Land of Fallacy

So now that I've scared the crap out of everyone with my last two posts, perhaps people might understand where I am coming from a little better when I say that I have issues when it comes to dealing with the effects of Kienbock's disease.

Yesterday, I was having company come over to do my hair. When company comes over, I tend to go into panic mode and clean. This stems from living with my parents for 19 years. My mother was a borderline hoarder, and my dad is just a pack rat. He'll say he can use something, and then it disappears for a while into the black hole that is the garage ... only to reappear one oddly random day in use. I feel like when people come to my house, they shouldn't be overwhelmed with all the skeletons in the closet. And, I have a complex about smelling good. Not just me and my body, but my home. This can be difficult with animals and a husband - but believe me when I say it was worse in the military with smelly pro-gear everywhere.

So anyhow, I'm sticking dishes in the dishwasher and since I can't scrub them so well, I let them soak. Then, I wipe down all the counters and fronts of the cabinets - again, as well as I possibly can. Then, I get the broom and pan out from under the sink. Since it's tiny and I have a slip disc in my back, I kneel on the floor to sweep the dust and crumbs into the pan. How many times and with how much emphasis can I say BAD IDEA? I realize as I'm trying to move around on the floor, that this was incredibly stupid of me. I have to scoot around. We've suspected for a long time that I have Kienbock's in my other hand, and I for certain have tendonitis in it. So, I can't use it as my support or leverage. As patient as I may appear most of the time, I panicked. My M.O. in this type of situation is to get really angry with myself. Most people who read this probably haven't been to my home, but all I had was the counter, which I could reach, but wouldn't have been able to pull myself up considering how stressed my left hand and arm were at that moment. On the other side, I had dining chairs. I wanted to cry at how stupid I was being. I managed to stray from breaking the stove and cabinet doors, and made it to a chair that I pulled out and pushed myself from my elbows up with. 

After this, I felt completely ridiculous. What if I was stuck there? Some days are really good and I can push myself up, but other days, like yesterday, I act completely stupid and panic over something silly. No one was home and my phone was nowhere near me. I always think about how much worse it can be. I'm a glass-is-half-empty kind of person. If you don't prepare yourself for the worst, then you won't know how to react. Treat every situation as if it's just the stepping stone to the worst possible situation, and you will be prepared.

this may seem totally counter to what I just told you happened, but once I got off the floor, I imagined having fallen or been in mortal danger, and unable to move myself. This concerns me greatly. It's entirely depressing so I just think about it constantly, unable to let it go. I stress that something one day is bound to happen; my outward actions of scrambling around to find something is what I deal with daily. If I'm driving, and I can't get the wheel to operate exactly how I tell my hands to do it, I freak out and think of the horrible things that will happen one day if I can't get my hands to work. I'm afraid of what I can and can't do. Ultimately, you cannot see me curling up in a ball, helpless inside my head because I know this disease will eventually disable me to the point where I can't help myself - and yes, this statement right there is me overreacting to my predicament. I can't NOT do that. I feel that way. Feelings are feelings, and I've found that no matter what I do, feelings are uncontrollable, but actions and reactions are more easily controlled. I have this extreme paranoia from my borderline personality disorder, and live in the land of fallacies. If one thing tips, they all tip. If I'm mad about one thing, I'm mad about everything.

I can't seem to make sense of anything because of my own obstacles within myself. I accept that I am what I am, and what happens happens, but I reject the control I can exert over situations. I can't even trust myself to do the right things or act the right way. If it's something as simple as being stuck on the floor I'm going to attempt to control it. And, when I feel out of control I panic.

Now that I am sharing more about the real me inside, it might be possible to see what a difficulty it is struggling with having Kienbock's, having depression and a borderline personality and what happens when combinations like this create havoc. If I could, I'd just lay all day in the same spot thinking, crying, and angry.