Rough Around the Edges

I don't pretend to be anything that I am not. I try always to be myself. But, it seems, no matter what I do ... many people do not like me. I'd say that that is fine with me, but really I don't think that it is.  At first, I might seem very collected, very intelligent, very nice ... and then you get underneath the protective layer and there's just me. Naked in all my rough edges.

I don't think that perfection is humanly possible. In fact, this world in itself is an imperfect place. We live with famine, disease, natural disasters, and evil as examples. so, I take pride in my originality and uniqueness. I think that the continual strife towards perfection is ridiculous to say the least. I have Kienbock's disease, and I can't dribble a basketball, I can't throw a Frisbee, I can't drive like everyone else, I can't go rollerskating anymore, I can't scrub dirty dishes, I can't push myself off the ground ... what are we doing torturing ourselves? Everyone has things that are wrong. Why push perfection?

I figure, if I go through life only doing my best and being my best - that is the achievement worth the fight. Granted, I think we should all make ourselves better. I'm continually reworking myself.  For example, I used to hate when people played jokes on me. Now, I am slowly learning to accept the consequences of having "real" friends who know the importance of humor, laughter, and equality. None of which can be achieved if we aren't a little goofy and sneaky.

I let Kienbock's disease define a part of my life. I own it. I respect it. It has taught me many important lessons, and it gives me many important challenges. I know that with my disease I can educate other people, and teach them about degenerative bone diseases and how it affects the human body. I let the Kienbock's be a part of my person, my psyche. I am no more or less than any other equal, yet I have something they may never have and it sets me apart and I accept this.

The worst thing for me is desperately wanting to be close to people, but ultimately ending up disappointed no matter what. Everyone lets me down in ways I need them the most. Often, I don't know what this is but I sure as hell know what it isn't. People might think that this is something they understand ... but I don't think I know anyone similar to be honest. I am dejected over the fact that I can count the true and real friends that I have on one hand. I would like it to be two. I would like people to care. I would like for them to want to know me, to respect me, to respect my differences and opinions, to share a friendship with me. I would like people in my life, but I fear my rough edges often prevent this. I mean, I say completely weird and/or inappropriate things at crucial moments, I act out, I beg for attention, I shy away from attention .... it's all a weird carousel ride in my world.

I know that I am not perfect, and I don't want to be. Perfection is not a fun aspect of human existence, and I reject it. But, I do know that I always have room to grow, time to change, and space to just be me. No matter what.

Thankfulness

It is easy for me to get lost in my memories and past lives. I say past lives because many of those memories surround a person I am no more. When it comes right down to it though, I am truly thankful for where my life has led me today, despite my failures, despite my health, despite my shortcomings, and despite any other obstacle.

I am thankful that I wake up every morning.
I am thankful that I am alive.
I am thankful that I can function on a daily basis.
I am thankful that I have an amazing and supportive husband.
I am thankful that my husband is thankful for me. :)
I am thankful for my two cuddly pets.
I am thankful for my sense of humor.
I am thankful for my home, and the things in it.
I am thankful for my education.
I am thankful for my creativity and my ideas.
I am thankful for truth and enlightenment.
I am thankful for being humbled by Kienbock's disease - because without being thankful for everything else on this list, I might not have become the person I am today with Kienbock's disease.