Rough Around the Edges

I don't pretend to be anything that I am not. I try always to be myself. But, it seems, no matter what I do ... many people do not like me. I'd say that that is fine with me, but really I don't think that it is.  At first, I might seem very collected, very intelligent, very nice ... and then you get underneath the protective layer and there's just me. Naked in all my rough edges.

I don't think that perfection is humanly possible. In fact, this world in itself is an imperfect place. We live with famine, disease, natural disasters, and evil as examples. so, I take pride in my originality and uniqueness. I think that the continual strife towards perfection is ridiculous to say the least. I have Kienbock's disease, and I can't dribble a basketball, I can't throw a Frisbee, I can't drive like everyone else, I can't go rollerskating anymore, I can't scrub dirty dishes, I can't push myself off the ground ... what are we doing torturing ourselves? Everyone has things that are wrong. Why push perfection?

I figure, if I go through life only doing my best and being my best - that is the achievement worth the fight. Granted, I think we should all make ourselves better. I'm continually reworking myself.  For example, I used to hate when people played jokes on me. Now, I am slowly learning to accept the consequences of having "real" friends who know the importance of humor, laughter, and equality. None of which can be achieved if we aren't a little goofy and sneaky.

I let Kienbock's disease define a part of my life. I own it. I respect it. It has taught me many important lessons, and it gives me many important challenges. I know that with my disease I can educate other people, and teach them about degenerative bone diseases and how it affects the human body. I let the Kienbock's be a part of my person, my psyche. I am no more or less than any other equal, yet I have something they may never have and it sets me apart and I accept this.

The worst thing for me is desperately wanting to be close to people, but ultimately ending up disappointed no matter what. Everyone lets me down in ways I need them the most. Often, I don't know what this is but I sure as hell know what it isn't. People might think that this is something they understand ... but I don't think I know anyone similar to be honest. I am dejected over the fact that I can count the true and real friends that I have on one hand. I would like it to be two. I would like people to care. I would like for them to want to know me, to respect me, to respect my differences and opinions, to share a friendship with me. I would like people in my life, but I fear my rough edges often prevent this. I mean, I say completely weird and/or inappropriate things at crucial moments, I act out, I beg for attention, I shy away from attention .... it's all a weird carousel ride in my world.

I know that I am not perfect, and I don't want to be. Perfection is not a fun aspect of human existence, and I reject it. But, I do know that I always have room to grow, time to change, and space to just be me. No matter what.