Stubborn Me

For years I've lived with constant pain my hand and arm. I actually have had it so long, that not feeling the pain would not be normal. It'd be downright weird. But the thing is that even though I've lived this way so long, I refuse to mentally acknowledge my condition. Like, that gear in my brain that automatically thinks like a girl with Kienbock's, doesn't always fall into place.

After my second surgery, we were at a friend's house. Her husband was on a hardship tour in Guantanamo, and she had a newborn baby at home. We were being good people and good friends by visiting her regularly, going out with her, and helping her with the baby. So, we had literally gone there two days after my surgery - I was still on percocet at the time, and very strong anti-nausea medications (this is before I had the worst 2 weeks of my life). I was so dumb about my arm, I picked up the baby. At the time, he was probably a good 12-15 pounds. I later found out that doing that ruptured a bunch of blood vessels and I had the most ugly bruises on the planet for several months.You just don't think about it. It's so second nature to reach for something and pick it up. But, I have a tendency to miss or drop. So I was the dummy that picked up the baby.

Today I still have a tendency to walk into a store, and pick up a bunch of things, go wait in line at the register with my armload, and then carry heavy bags around. I think that I can make, just this once. I think every other time that I'll get a cart - but I don't want to be the girl who is pushing a huge cart around Safeway with just a gallon of milk and a few veggies. I am just that stubborn.

Learning to give up control in situations where you believe you can do something is harder than you think it is. Thinking about myself as a person with a disability when I am able in many other ways is just a flat out chore. I can admit I can't do things, but I still want to do them. And so I insist on doing so. In reality, I shouldn't do about half of what I do do. Stubborn is just part of my personality. When I really believe something, I won't give it up. I refuse to budge on my ethics, and therefore it's all too easy to refuse to budge on what I believe I can do.

I'm learning to ask for more help. I'm learning to get over my fear of judgment and rejection. I have been making important strides in letting go of being stubborn, but it's always a challenge I have to deal with daily.